Chris Kaman is Like a Blacker Magic Johnson With More STD's.

When I go to sleep at night, I thank God for Chris Kaman, and I thank Chris Kaman for God. Before I get in bed, I make sure that Mr. Kaman is not using my bed to make love to a beautiful woman, and then I check under my bed to make sure he's not there choking out the boogie man. Once those facts have been confirmed, I get under my covers and close my eyes and attempt to go to sleep. If I'm having trouble drifting off, I think of super-hero names that Christopher could use, like "Flying Ebony," or "Captain CrackRock," or "Really Huge Penis Man." Then I think of names for his enemies, like "Dr. Owes-Me-Money," or "Trick-Ass Bitch," or "The White Man." When I do fall asleep, I inevitably dream of Chris frolicking through fields of various substances and materials -- usually including some combination of money, champagne, cocaine, and boobs. Waking up is always a cruel moment, but I get myself out of bed and eager to take on the day with these thoughts: "Chris Kaman is not in my room, he is out there in the world, and I will never find him or his majestic titty-cocaine-champagne fields if I stay in my room all day." So I get out there and I live my life, one thought about Chris Kaman at a time.

The Slightly Anticipated Return of the Drawings

It was saturday night. I was at a bar. I met a girl. We went back to my place and drew Microsoft Paint pictures of Chris Kaman. Then we watched his youtube videos. Here are the results:

His Ho'--The Thickest, His Dro--The Stickiest

Medusa Is One of Chris Kaman's Baby's-Mamas.

An Unauthorized Biography of Renaldo Balkman's Hair: Prologue

*Editor's Note: In an effort to become the first web log to have more contributors than followers, chriskamanswagger has recruited yet another guest contributor. AlThornton4Secretary is a world-renowned scholar of all things Clippers as well as Marijuana. He is dedicated to educating the world about the international phenomenon known in the Denver Nuggets' locker room as Renaldo Balkman. Nuggets' coach George Karl may neglect Renaldo when it comes to playing time, but he cannot stop the general public from contemplating Renaldo's past, present, and future. As one of Chris Kaman's soldiers in the drug game, Renaldo Balkman is a person whose story deserves telling, and AlThornton4Secretary is up to the task. Without further ado, roll yourself something worth smoking and read the following, it will be good for you...




Thus the legend begins, only to end with one word: Balk.

Just around the same time Lucifer bestowed to the earth the one and only Christ-opher Kaman to do his sinful bidding (much like the Dark Angel Gabriel, except with a knack for the not-so-occasional 211), Renaldo Balkman was born from a roach in a tree. Quite possibly a mix between the Ethiopian prophet Haile Selassie I and Tyrone Bigby from The Chappelle's Show, Balkman currently gets paid $2,112,417 a year to act as a sort of mediator between blunts and the countless clouds of smoke that are at least partly responsible for global warming. In this biography, I aim to delve into the merits of Balkman's career, both on and off the basketball court. From his role as a crime fighter/instigator, known in the Carolinas as "The Incredible Balk," to his more recent successes as a professional botanist and a licensed "grower" in the great state of Colorado. No page in Renaldo Balkman's lifestory will remain unturned. This motherfucker, however, is just a prologue, so I will start with the Genesis of Renaldo -- and what better way to begin the tale than to start with the infamous sensimilia growing off the top of what most people consider a human being? Of course that question mark is rhetorical because as fans of both basketball and all things "hard" know, dredlocks cannot be considered simply a hairstyle, but rather a symbol of random ass sheeeeee-et -- like why Josh Howard doesn't care about white people, or black people, or mulattos for that matter. Perhaps one of the most controversial natural phenomena in the history of black people, Balkman's hair has been a topic of both political and religious debate since the late 1990s, when New York City police officials stationed in Staten Island reported a strange incident on the night of April 20th, 1998. On a later court date, the prosecutor for the District Attorney office questioned said police officers who had searched the third floor of Building #3 of the Stapleton housing projects following a 9-1-1 distress call. What follows is a brief excerpt from the official court transcript, which I believe does well to summarize that fascinating and fateful evening on the shores of Shaolin:

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Kaman Violently Penetrates David Stern's Wife.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan in Chris Kaman's quest to become an NBA All-Star. He was healthy, putting up huge numbers, and looking gorgeous doing it. The Clippers were winning the occassional game, and Christopher had layed the foundation for what was to be a speedy, spectacular rise to superstardom. Chris himself had secured his fate as an All-Star during the last couple of offseasons, flying to China during other team's silly playoff games to seduce and impregnate Chinese women in order to cement himself as the choice of the nation's famously dedicated voters. You could practically book his first-class ticket to Dallas (the site of this year's game) when suddenly, the unthinkable happened, and Christopher's All-Star aspirations took a terrible blow.

Chris Kaman was left off the ballot for voting for the All-Star Game. As most of you should know by now, I am more than confident in Christopher's abilities to overcome obstacles. Coming from where he came from and possessing the swagger that he does, it is impossible to phase Chris Kaman. Whether you are Chris Kaman or not, however, it is pretty difficult to get voted into the All-Star game when your name isn't even on the fucking ballot.

So how is this possible? How is the best basketball player in the game left off the ballot? How can such an obvious gaffe have come to pass? Sadly, I believe there is only one logical answer. Chris Kaman has been making sweet love to Mrs. David Stern for a very long time, and he has been doing a very good job of it.

Those of you who have yet to have sex with Chris Kaman are probably asking yourself right now "What the fuck is that big mouthed bitch's problem? She got to make love to a sexual combination of God, Ron Jeremy, and the Devil himself, and she couldn't keep her damn mouth shut, and now I am robbed of the one thing in this world that could add meaning to my cold, dark existence--seeing Chris Kaman get the recognition he deserves." This is understandable, and I just want you to know that I share your pain. I have never been fortunate enough to make love with Christopher and I am inherently jealous/envious of those who have, but we must not blame Mrs. Stern. The simple fact is Chris Kaman's penis does things to people. You can't expect someone who has been exposed to the power of Kaman's dong as many times as Mrs. Stern clearly has to act logically. Chris Kaman, or Sexual Chocolate as the entire cast of Gilmore Girl's grew to know him, is the ninth, tenth, and eleventh wonder of the world during fornication. Mrs. Stern simply did not have the mental werewithal to handle having access to Christopher's genitalia, and then having to deal with not having it while Christopher was busy doing more important shit. During his absense, she would draw Chris Kaman, dream about Chris Kaman, talk about Chris Kaman, blog about Chris Kaman, and at some point David began to understand what had happened. Husband David Stern couldn't take Chris Kaman off of his wife, so commissionar David Stern took Chris Kaman off the ballot, crushing many of our dreams in the process.

This is a blow to Kaman's All-Star campaign, but this is not the end. Chris Kaman's ho's surely have a rough couple days ahead, but Chris Kaman will find a way to make this right. The Kamaniac will not go quietly into the night, and Mr. Stern is about to have a whole bunch of Kaman babies up in his family tree.

Chris Kaman had Sex with Mike Tyson until he Loved Him.

This October, in the most predictable occurrence the world has seen since FDR's re-election, Chris Kaman became the single most unguardable man on the planet. Christopher's collection of moves in the low post have always been impressive, but as of late our man has simply been a force of nature on the basketball court. I now feel comfortable saying that Christopher's repertoire with the basketball in his hands is almost comparable with the wide variety of techniques he implements in pleasuring women during love-making. Whether it's in the key or between the sheets, Christopher is causing people to orgasm with his skills, and I think it's about time America takes notice. Christopher nails twenty-footers like Jesus, finger rolls like Mary, and slam dunks like the Holy Spirit, and still gets absolutely no love from the national media. The media's infatuation with the white man is well documented -- we do not have to do much research to understand why the Ebony Prince himself, Chris Kaman, get's no exposure -- but that does not make it right. The Kamaniac is currently averaging 22.8 points, 10.6 rebounds, 2.1 blocks, 3.2 assists, and 5 baby-mama's avoided per game. He has established himself as the pen-ultimate go to guy and will without a doubt surpass Wilt Chamberlain's scoring records both in the NBA and with the gentler sex. In a survey of myself, his brother, and his parents, he was unanimously selected as the greatest to ever lace them up.

It is with this entry that I officially begin my quest to make Chris Kaman an N.B.A. All-Star. I am hereby pleading with you, the people of the world, to do all you can to make sure this happens. If Christopher does not make the Western-Conference all-star team this year, I will be genuinely disappointed and Chris Kaman will be genuinely pissed off and much more likely to choke the prostitutes working his corners. For my sake, as well as his ho's, please vote Chris Kaman for NBA All-Star. The lives of Sparkle and Sharonda may be in your hands.

Zeljko Rebraca to Return for Your Soul.

*Editor's Note: With all the hoopla and fanfare surrounding our beloved Chris Kaman these days, it is important that we not forget about other grotesquely large physical specimens whom have sexily worn the Los Angeles Clipper jersey throughout the years. To give one of these legends their proper due, CKSwag proudly welcomes our Eastern European correspondent, Fritz Novak, for the sites very first (and hopefully not last) guest post. Fritz is a spectacularly-endowed bastion of knowledge on all things Serbia as well as Montenegro, and is more than familiar with the Eastern Europe's tradition of fine professional basketball players and whores. Without further ado, I'll allow Mr. Novak to drop some knowledge on all of your bitch-asses...

You may have forgotten about this 7 foot Serbian powerhouse and his abnormally-sized head, but he most certainly has not forgotten about you. While Chris Kaman was just commencing to cripwalk across the Clippers court, Zeljko Rebraca was monosylabically explaining to Shaunie O'Neal why he was too good for her "even for make to him blowjob". Though the wages paid for his services at the time as both backup center and contract killer were more than substantial, he still drove a 1982 Yugo so as to avoid police detection. Also because he never forgot where the fuck he came from.

And that would be what the former Yugoslavia. As players around him talked smack about their dangerous upbringing, Zeljko Rebraca could only shake his head and laugh. While Ron Artest spoke of growing up around notorious crack kingpin "Supreme," Zeljko could barely supress his condescension enough to point out that while serving a life sentence, the inaccurately named drug lord was never tried by the motherfucking UN. For crimes against humanity! The closest to a crime against humanity ever perpetrated by another NBA player was Luke Walton giving the world the impression that Americans are homosexual and terrible at sports.

As a child he abstained from the ugly fighting in the Yugoslav civil wars and ethnic cleansing, because he was not put on this earth to kill Bosnians and Albanians. After retiring from playing the game he loved, his purpose here is to devour the souls of ignorant basketball fans in LA and indeed all over the world. So to anyone who voted Kobe to the all-defensive first team, said Rajon Rondo was in the same category as Chris Paul and Derrick Rose, or is named Skip Bayless: Y'all better wear some garlic around your necks, because knives, bullets, grenades and normally fatal levels of alcohol and cocaine have proven ineffective in causing any significant structural or internal damage to the machine known affectionately as Zelly. Just ask anybody's who's tried to sell stolen cars or gun parts within 30 miles of the Staples Center without giving him a 30% cut. Consider yourselves warned.

You Just Got Knocked the Fuck Out.

This past saturday night, I took a break from my usual weekend evening routine of talking about Chris Kaman and instead opted to stay in and watch some boxing. The fight was between Floyd "Money" Mayweather and Juan Manuel Marquez, two passionate and skilled athletes hoping to punch eachother's faces. Early in the bout, through his domination of Marquez, it became very apparent that Mr. Mayweather is indeed quite the fighter. Floyd is able to dodge a punch like Chris Kaman dodges a baby-mama, and he delivers a blow better than Vanessa Bryant after dinner and a movie with Brian Skinner. Floyd is a very talented boxer, and he knows it. It is clear that he believes himself to be the best fighter on the planet, and as such, I believe he should go against the best. Following that logic, it only makes sense that he should be put in the ring with Christopher "Crack Rocks" Kaman. In order to cement his status as a boxing legend, Mayweather should go against Kaman in some gigantic stadium somewhere. While I doubt "Money" Mayweather is heavily influenced by material things and financial gain, I am certain that inclusion in a battle with Kaman would bring financial stability to the next 17-26 generations of Mayweather's--an oppurtunity that a family man like Floyd simply cannot pass up. Understanding these facts, I feel it is only a matter of time before these two muscular ebony men go toe-to-toe. In anticipation of that, lets check out how they measure up:

Christopher "Crack Rocks" Kaman
Height: 7'0"
Weight: 252
Reach: 86"
Penis Length (Flaccid): 23"

Floyd "Money" Mayweather
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 146
Reach: 72"
Penis Length: 6"

After carefully analyzing these measurements, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris Kaman would beat the living shit out of Floyd Mayweather. Outweighing him by more than a hundred pounds, with a 17 inch height and penis size advantage, Kaman would surely dominate the fight. In fact, it would be shocking if "Money" lasted one round in the ring with "Crack Rocks." Kaman, using his advantages in power, reach, choking technique, and swagger would probably knock out Mayweather and rob his entire posse (including Triple H) before the bikini-clad white girl walks through the ring holding a big number "2." Kiss the rings, Floyd. Christopher Kaman, the K.O. Man.

Dollar Dollar Bill Y'all

As all of God's creatures should know at this point, money plays a critical role in Chris Kaman's emotional and physical well-being. Cash Rules Everything Aroung Chris Kaman (or C.R.E.A.C.K.) is an organization dedicated to augmenting Christopher's silly cash flow. C.R.E.A.C.K. works tirelessly to make sure that Christopher is able to spend his money frivolously--whether it be on explosives, high-priced prostitutes, diamond-encrusted stuff, or all of the above--without having to worry about the bummer that is bankruptcy. Simply put, Christopher is far too important and volatile to not have the fattest of pockets. Should Christoper ever feel a financial pinch, a string of robberies and violence against the caucasian race would be sure to follow. Ensuring that Chris Kaman continues to get that paper is a task that requires due diligence from all of us. By keeping Christopher ballin' in an outrageous manner, we ensure that our children, grandchildren, and other future humans we may care about have a slight chance at existence. As the incomparable John F. Kennedy once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to make sure Chris Kaman stays PAID. HELLA-PAID."

I Just Want To Draw You.

I am always inspired to draw the most cold-blooded superman lover on the planet, Christopher Kaman. Today, inspired by his existence, I did these:

Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud.

Chris Kaman Dunking On A Baby Giraffe.

All You Honkeys Are Gonna Pay.

Chris Kaman pulls out the Barretta and puts two in the sky. A Los Angeles Clipper player and/or their wife is thoroughly choked. It begins to rain. These things are common place in the Los Angeles Clippers practice facility as well as South Central, and they are all caused by Chris Kaman. It is because of things like this that we have to ask ourselves, is Christopher a productive member of society or a detriment. How many innocent motherfuckers does Christopher need to choke out before we do something about it? I, for one, enjoy the parts of my day where I don't have two powerful ebony hands around my neck restricting my air flow--so as far as I'm concerned, Christopher should be allowed to choke whoever he wants, whenever he wants. I support him fully in everything he chooses to do, because it is the correct course of action. Always. If Chris ever happens to read this paragraph, what I want him to take out of it is this: You, Dr. Kaman, are bigger than the law. You jizz on the collective face of White America. You are the man and you should do whatever you want. I know you don't give a fuck, and you shouldn't. I love your balls.

Lucky Baby Oil

When Chris Kaman get's out of the shower, he doesn't reach for a towel. He lets the moisture evaporate off of his muscular physique. He allows the cool breeze emitted from the mouths of the strippers he slept with the night before to augment the evaporation process as they whisper sweet nothings inches away from his body. It's rather sad, one could say, to watch each droplet dissapear, seeing it passionately cling to Christopher's deeply-pigmented skin as it attempts to savor every moment it exists on his flawless frame.
He stays nude for most of the day, attended to by Phillipino women who rub him down with his fine collection of baby oils. Often times, Christopher takes off his clothes when he has company, just to lay to rest any rumors that he does not have the biggest penis in the world. Chris Kaman's nudity and its effect on the heterosexual male is breathtaking. It is physically impossible not to be attracted to Chris Kaman and it is a testament to Christopher's will-power, gentleness, and self-defense that he has at times in his life been seen not having sex with people.

Jesus Christ Wears a Chris Kaman Pendant Around his Neck.

Not counting the drugs he sells, Chris Kaman makes more than ten million dollars every year. If you do not make ten million dollars every year, you have not been as business-savvy as Mr. Kaman. Chris Kaman has more baby-mamas than Joseph Smith and the Ol' Dirty Bastard combined, all of them sucking feverishly at his financial teet, and it does not make a dent in his funds. Chris Kaman spends every summer in various oceans and forests, reeling in big fish and hunting big game. In fact, it could probably be said that the only type of big games Christopher has now-a-days comes in the form of the Elk and Moose which he terminates. Chris could buy your house for twice what it's worth just to light it on fire and use it to spark his blunt. Everything you want, Chris Kaman has, and he has it because he is one of the most gifted athletes in the world. Based on the lack of traffic and commentary this site has received since its inception, I felt it was necessary to remind the world of who we are dealing with...Chris Kaman, the big boss of the midwest. Bow down to a true pimp.

Extra-Curricular, Extra-Testicular

For those of you who don't know, Chris Kaman is a seven-foot tall white dude who plays for the Clippers. He is sometimes good at putting the ball in the basket, and if he is feeling particularly spunky he can grab a rebound or block a shot or both. These things, however, offer us a very limited understanding of Chris Kaman, and it is because of this fact that I have decided to bequeth upon you, the reader, the other positions Chris Kaman holds as well as how he chooses to use his spare time:

Positions:
-Samuel L. Jackson's acting coach.
-Porn Star
-NAACP President.
-Published author of books they only sell in African-American niche bookstores.
-Inventor of the waffle.
-Inventor of the seedless watermelon.
-Baddest Mother-Fucker on the planet.

Hobbies:
-Hitting up Oprah for booty-calls.
-Walk-By Shootings.
-Keeping titties bouncing.
-Chess.
-Dice games.
-Blowing shit up.
-Representing.
-Fucking strippers on piles of cash.
-Making Jam.
-Murdering your favorite rapper (lyrically prior to actually).
-Eating a good meal with good company.
-Long Crip Walks on the Moon.
-Interior design.

Chris Kaman Puts the Hood in Childhood.

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You can't guard Chris Kaman.

There are a few things that I do every day. I eat, I drink, I sleep, and I find a way to talk about Chris Kaman. I've never met Chris and I can't say he is the greatest basketball player, but there is something about him that allows him to transcend basketball and make his way into the other parts of my life. Through this site I'm going to attempt to collect my thoughts about Christopher and explain why he will probably rob or have sex with someone you care about at some point in the near future. There is a lot of information out there on this internet thing, but I'm confident that none of it is anywhere near as interesting as what I have to say about Chris Kaman.

I'm not the best writer, but I have the best subject matter, and it's because of this fact that Chris Kaman is going to be as famous in the typical American household as he is in your area's shadiest strip clubs. Until next time, keep it Kaman, and for those of you who are just now finding meaning in your life, Chris Kaman looks like this: