BREAKING NEWS: Chris Kaman Violently Penetrates David Stern's Wife.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan in Chris Kaman's quest to become an NBA All-Star. He was healthy, putting up huge numbers, and looking gorgeous doing it. The Clippers were winning the occassional game, and Christopher had layed the foundation for what was to be a speedy, spectacular rise to superstardom. Chris himself had secured his fate as an All-Star during the last couple of offseasons, flying to China during other team's silly playoff games to seduce and impregnate Chinese women in order to cement himself as the choice of the nation's famously dedicated voters. You could practically book his first-class ticket to Dallas (the site of this year's game) when suddenly, the unthinkable happened, and Christopher's All-Star aspirations took a terrible blow.

Chris Kaman was left off the ballot for voting for the All-Star Game. As most of you should know by now, I am more than confident in Christopher's abilities to overcome obstacles. Coming from where he came from and possessing the swagger that he does, it is impossible to phase Chris Kaman. Whether you are Chris Kaman or not, however, it is pretty difficult to get voted into the All-Star game when your name isn't even on the fucking ballot.

So how is this possible? How is the best basketball player in the game left off the ballot? How can such an obvious gaffe have come to pass? Sadly, I believe there is only one logical answer. Chris Kaman has been making sweet love to Mrs. David Stern for a very long time, and he has been doing a very good job of it.

Those of you who have yet to have sex with Chris Kaman are probably asking yourself right now "What the fuck is that big mouthed bitch's problem? She got to make love to a sexual combination of God, Ron Jeremy, and the Devil himself, and she couldn't keep her damn mouth shut, and now I am robbed of the one thing in this world that could add meaning to my cold, dark existence--seeing Chris Kaman get the recognition he deserves." This is understandable, and I just want you to know that I share your pain. I have never been fortunate enough to make love with Christopher and I am inherently jealous/envious of those who have, but we must not blame Mrs. Stern. The simple fact is Chris Kaman's penis does things to people. You can't expect someone who has been exposed to the power of Kaman's dong as many times as Mrs. Stern clearly has to act logically. Chris Kaman, or Sexual Chocolate as the entire cast of Gilmore Girl's grew to know him, is the ninth, tenth, and eleventh wonder of the world during fornication. Mrs. Stern simply did not have the mental werewithal to handle having access to Christopher's genitalia, and then having to deal with not having it while Christopher was busy doing more important shit. During his absense, she would draw Chris Kaman, dream about Chris Kaman, talk about Chris Kaman, blog about Chris Kaman, and at some point David began to understand what had happened. Husband David Stern couldn't take Chris Kaman off of his wife, so commissionar David Stern took Chris Kaman off the ballot, crushing many of our dreams in the process.

This is a blow to Kaman's All-Star campaign, but this is not the end. Chris Kaman's ho's surely have a rough couple days ahead, but Chris Kaman will find a way to make this right. The Kamaniac will not go quietly into the night, and Mr. Stern is about to have a whole bunch of Kaman babies up in his family tree.