All You Honkeys Are Gonna Pay.

Chris Kaman pulls out the Barretta and puts two in the sky. A Los Angeles Clipper player and/or their wife is thoroughly choked. It begins to rain. These things are common place in the Los Angeles Clippers practice facility as well as South Central, and they are all caused by Chris Kaman. It is because of things like this that we have to ask ourselves, is Christopher a productive member of society or a detriment. How many innocent motherfuckers does Christopher need to choke out before we do something about it? I, for one, enjoy the parts of my day where I don't have two powerful ebony hands around my neck restricting my air flow--so as far as I'm concerned, Christopher should be allowed to choke whoever he wants, whenever he wants. I support him fully in everything he chooses to do, because it is the correct course of action. Always. If Chris ever happens to read this paragraph, what I want him to take out of it is this: You, Dr. Kaman, are bigger than the law. You jizz on the collective face of White America. You are the man and you should do whatever you want. I know you don't give a fuck, and you shouldn't. I love your balls.

Lucky Baby Oil

When Chris Kaman get's out of the shower, he doesn't reach for a towel. He lets the moisture evaporate off of his muscular physique. He allows the cool breeze emitted from the mouths of the strippers he slept with the night before to augment the evaporation process as they whisper sweet nothings inches away from his body. It's rather sad, one could say, to watch each droplet dissapear, seeing it passionately cling to Christopher's deeply-pigmented skin as it attempts to savor every moment it exists on his flawless frame.
He stays nude for most of the day, attended to by Phillipino women who rub him down with his fine collection of baby oils. Often times, Christopher takes off his clothes when he has company, just to lay to rest any rumors that he does not have the biggest penis in the world. Chris Kaman's nudity and its effect on the heterosexual male is breathtaking. It is physically impossible not to be attracted to Chris Kaman and it is a testament to Christopher's will-power, gentleness, and self-defense that he has at times in his life been seen not having sex with people.

Jesus Christ Wears a Chris Kaman Pendant Around his Neck.

Not counting the drugs he sells, Chris Kaman makes more than ten million dollars every year. If you do not make ten million dollars every year, you have not been as business-savvy as Mr. Kaman. Chris Kaman has more baby-mamas than Joseph Smith and the Ol' Dirty Bastard combined, all of them sucking feverishly at his financial teet, and it does not make a dent in his funds. Chris Kaman spends every summer in various oceans and forests, reeling in big fish and hunting big game. In fact, it could probably be said that the only type of big games Christopher has now-a-days comes in the form of the Elk and Moose which he terminates. Chris could buy your house for twice what it's worth just to light it on fire and use it to spark his blunt. Everything you want, Chris Kaman has, and he has it because he is one of the most gifted athletes in the world. Based on the lack of traffic and commentary this site has received since its inception, I felt it was necessary to remind the world of who we are dealing with...Chris Kaman, the big boss of the midwest. Bow down to a true pimp.

Extra-Curricular, Extra-Testicular

For those of you who don't know, Chris Kaman is a seven-foot tall white dude who plays for the Clippers. He is sometimes good at putting the ball in the basket, and if he is feeling particularly spunky he can grab a rebound or block a shot or both. These things, however, offer us a very limited understanding of Chris Kaman, and it is because of this fact that I have decided to bequeth upon you, the reader, the other positions Chris Kaman holds as well as how he chooses to use his spare time:

Positions:
-Samuel L. Jackson's acting coach.
-Porn Star
-NAACP President.
-Published author of books they only sell in African-American niche bookstores.
-Inventor of the waffle.
-Inventor of the seedless watermelon.
-Baddest Mother-Fucker on the planet.

Hobbies:
-Hitting up Oprah for booty-calls.
-Walk-By Shootings.
-Keeping titties bouncing.
-Chess.
-Dice games.
-Blowing shit up.
-Representing.
-Fucking strippers on piles of cash.
-Making Jam.
-Murdering your favorite rapper (lyrically prior to actually).
-Eating a good meal with good company.
-Long Crip Walks on the Moon.
-Interior design.

Chris Kaman Puts the Hood in Childhood.

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You can't guard Chris Kaman.

There are a few things that I do every day. I eat, I drink, I sleep, and I find a way to talk about Chris Kaman. I've never met Chris and I can't say he is the greatest basketball player, but there is something about him that allows him to transcend basketball and make his way into the other parts of my life. Through this site I'm going to attempt to collect my thoughts about Christopher and explain why he will probably rob or have sex with someone you care about at some point in the near future. There is a lot of information out there on this internet thing, but I'm confident that none of it is anywhere near as interesting as what I have to say about Chris Kaman.

I'm not the best writer, but I have the best subject matter, and it's because of this fact that Chris Kaman is going to be as famous in the typical American household as he is in your area's shadiest strip clubs. Until next time, keep it Kaman, and for those of you who are just now finding meaning in your life, Chris Kaman looks like this: