Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Chris Kaman is Like a Blacker Magic Johnson With More STD's.
When I go to sleep at night, I thank God for Chris Kaman, and I thank Chris Kaman for God. Before I get in bed, I make sure that Mr. Kaman is not using my bed to make love to a beautiful woman, and then I check under my bed to make sure he's not there choking out the boogie man. Once those facts have been confirmed, I get under my covers and close my eyes and attempt to go to sleep. If I'm having trouble drifting off, I think of super-hero names that Christopher could use, like "Flying Ebony," or "Captain CrackRock," or "Really Huge Penis Man." Then I think of names for his enemies, like "Dr. Owes-Me-Money," or "Trick-Ass Bitch," or "The White Man." When I do fall asleep, I inevitably dream of Chris frolicking through fields of various substances and materials -- usually including some combination of money, champagne, cocaine, and boobs. Waking up is always a cruel moment, but I get myself out of bed and eager to take on the day with these thoughts: "Chris Kaman is not in my room, he is out there in the world, and I will never find him or his majestic titty-cocaine-champagne fields if I stay in my room all day." So I get out there and I live my life, one thought about Chris Kaman at a time.
The Slightly Anticipated Return of the Drawings
It was saturday night. I was at a bar. I met a girl. We went back to my place and drew Microsoft Paint pictures of Chris Kaman. Then we watched his youtube videos. Here are the results:
His Ho'--The Thickest, His Dro--The Stickiest
Medusa Is One of Chris Kaman's Baby's-Mamas.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
An Unauthorized Biography of Renaldo Balkman's Hair: Prologue
*Editor's Note: In an effort to become the first web log to have more contributors than followers, chriskamanswagger has recruited yet another guest contributor. AlThornton4Secretary is a world-renowned scholar of all things Clippers as well as Marijuana. He is dedicated to educating the world about the international phenomenon known in the Denver Nuggets' locker room as Renaldo Balkman. Nuggets' coach George Karl may neglect Renaldo when it comes to playing time, but he cannot stop the general public from contemplating Renaldo's past, present, and future. As one of Chris Kaman's soldiers in the drug game, Renaldo Balkman is a person whose story deserves telling, and AlThornton4Secretary is up to the task. Without further ado, roll yourself something worth smoking and read the following, it will be good for you...
Thus the legend begins, only to end with one word: Balk.
Just around the same time Lucifer bestowed to the earth the one and only Christ-opher Kaman to do his sinful bidding (much like the Dark Angel Gabriel, except with a knack for the not-so-occasional 211), Renaldo Balkman was born from a roach in a tree. Quite possibly a mix between the Ethiopian prophet Haile Selassie I and Tyrone Bigby from The Chappelle's Show, Balkman currently gets paid $2,112,417 a year to act as a sort of mediator between blunts and the countless clouds of smoke that are at least partly responsible for global warming. In this biography, I aim to delve into the merits of Balkman's career, both on and off the basketball court. From his role as a crime fighter/instigator, known in the Carolinas as "The Incredible Balk," to his more recent successes as a professional botanist and a licensed "grower" in the great state of Colorado. No page in Renaldo Balkman's lifestory will remain unturned. This motherfucker, however, is just a prologue, so I will start with the Genesis of Renaldo -- and what better way to begin the tale than to start with the infamous sensimilia growing off the top of what most people consider a human being? Of course that question mark is rhetorical because as fans of both basketball and all things "hard" know, dredlocks cannot be considered simply a hairstyle, but rather a symbol of random ass sheeeeee-et -- like why Josh Howard doesn't care about white people, or black people, or mulattos for that matter. Perhaps one of the most controversial natural phenomena in the history of black people, Balkman's hair has been a topic of both political and religious debate since the late 1990s, when New York City police officials stationed in Staten Island reported a strange incident on the night of April 20th, 1998. On a later court date, the prosecutor for the District Attorney office questioned said police officers who had searched the third floor of Building #3 of the Stapleton housing projects following a 9-1-1 distress call. What follows is a brief excerpt from the official court transcript, which I believe does well to summarize that fascinating and fateful evening on the shores of Shaolin:
Thus the legend begins, only to end with one word: Balk.
Just around the same time Lucifer bestowed to the earth the one and only Christ-opher Kaman to do his sinful bidding (much like the Dark Angel Gabriel, except with a knack for the not-so-occasional 211), Renaldo Balkman was born from a roach in a tree. Quite possibly a mix between the Ethiopian prophet Haile Selassie I and Tyrone Bigby from The Chappelle's Show, Balkman currently gets paid $2,112,417 a year to act as a sort of mediator between blunts and the countless clouds of smoke that are at least partly responsible for global warming. In this biography, I aim to delve into the merits of Balkman's career, both on and off the basketball court. From his role as a crime fighter/instigator, known in the Carolinas as "The Incredible Balk," to his more recent successes as a professional botanist and a licensed "grower" in the great state of Colorado. No page in Renaldo Balkman's lifestory will remain unturned. This motherfucker, however, is just a prologue, so I will start with the Genesis of Renaldo -- and what better way to begin the tale than to start with the infamous sensimilia growing off the top of what most people consider a human being? Of course that question mark is rhetorical because as fans of both basketball and all things "hard" know, dredlocks cannot be considered simply a hairstyle, but rather a symbol of random ass sheeeeee-et -- like why Josh Howard doesn't care about white people, or black people, or mulattos for that matter. Perhaps one of the most controversial natural phenomena in the history of black people, Balkman's hair has been a topic of both political and religious debate since the late 1990s, when New York City police officials stationed in Staten Island reported a strange incident on the night of April 20th, 1998. On a later court date, the prosecutor for the District Attorney office questioned said police officers who had searched the third floor of Building #3 of the Stapleton housing projects following a 9-1-1 distress call. What follows is a brief excerpt from the official court transcript, which I believe does well to summarize that fascinating and fateful evening on the shores of Shaolin:
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: Chris Kaman Violently Penetrates David Stern's Wife.
Everything seemed to be going according to plan in Chris Kaman's quest to become an NBA All-Star. He was healthy, putting up huge numbers, and looking gorgeous doing it. The Clippers were winning the occassional game, and Christopher had layed the foundation for what was to be a speedy, spectacular rise to superstardom. Chris himself had secured his fate as an All-Star during the last couple of offseasons, flying to China during other team's silly playoff games to seduce and impregnate Chinese women in order to cement himself as the choice of the nation's famously dedicated voters. You could practically book his first-class ticket to Dallas (the site of this year's game) when suddenly, the unthinkable happened, and Christopher's All-Star aspirations took a terrible blow.
Chris Kaman was left off the ballot for voting for the All-Star Game. As most of you should know by now, I am more than confident in Christopher's abilities to overcome obstacles. Coming from where he came from and possessing the swagger that he does, it is impossible to phase Chris Kaman. Whether you are Chris Kaman or not, however, it is pretty difficult to get voted into the All-Star game when your name isn't even on the fucking ballot.
So how is this possible? How is the best basketball player in the game left off the ballot? How can such an obvious gaffe have come to pass? Sadly, I believe there is only one logical answer. Chris Kaman has been making sweet love to Mrs. David Stern for a very long time, and he has been doing a very good job of it.
Those of you who have yet to have sex with Chris Kaman are probably asking yourself right now "What the fuck is that big mouthed bitch's problem? She got to make love to a sexual combination of God, Ron Jeremy, and the Devil himself, and she couldn't keep her damn mouth shut, and now I am robbed of the one thing in this world that could add meaning to my cold, dark existence--seeing Chris Kaman get the recognition he deserves." This is understandable, and I just want you to know that I share your pain. I have never been fortunate enough to make love with Christopher and I am inherently jealous/envious of those who have, but we must not blame Mrs. Stern. The simple fact is Chris Kaman's penis does things to people. You can't expect someone who has been exposed to the power of Kaman's dong as many times as Mrs. Stern clearly has to act logically. Chris Kaman, or Sexual Chocolate as the entire cast of Gilmore Girl's grew to know him, is the ninth, tenth, and eleventh wonder of the world during fornication. Mrs. Stern simply did not have the mental werewithal to handle having access to Christopher's genitalia, and then having to deal with not having it while Christopher was busy doing more important shit. During his absense, she would draw Chris Kaman, dream about Chris Kaman, talk about Chris Kaman, blog about Chris Kaman, and at some point David began to understand what had happened. Husband David Stern couldn't take Chris Kaman off of his wife, so commissionar David Stern took Chris Kaman off the ballot, crushing many of our dreams in the process.
This is a blow to Kaman's All-Star campaign, but this is not the end. Chris Kaman's ho's surely have a rough couple days ahead, but Chris Kaman will find a way to make this right. The Kamaniac will not go quietly into the night, and Mr. Stern is about to have a whole bunch of Kaman babies up in his family tree.
Chris Kaman was left off the ballot for voting for the All-Star Game. As most of you should know by now, I am more than confident in Christopher's abilities to overcome obstacles. Coming from where he came from and possessing the swagger that he does, it is impossible to phase Chris Kaman. Whether you are Chris Kaman or not, however, it is pretty difficult to get voted into the All-Star game when your name isn't even on the fucking ballot.
So how is this possible? How is the best basketball player in the game left off the ballot? How can such an obvious gaffe have come to pass? Sadly, I believe there is only one logical answer. Chris Kaman has been making sweet love to Mrs. David Stern for a very long time, and he has been doing a very good job of it.
Those of you who have yet to have sex with Chris Kaman are probably asking yourself right now "What the fuck is that big mouthed bitch's problem? She got to make love to a sexual combination of God, Ron Jeremy, and the Devil himself, and she couldn't keep her damn mouth shut, and now I am robbed of the one thing in this world that could add meaning to my cold, dark existence--seeing Chris Kaman get the recognition he deserves." This is understandable, and I just want you to know that I share your pain. I have never been fortunate enough to make love with Christopher and I am inherently jealous/envious of those who have, but we must not blame Mrs. Stern. The simple fact is Chris Kaman's penis does things to people. You can't expect someone who has been exposed to the power of Kaman's dong as many times as Mrs. Stern clearly has to act logically. Chris Kaman, or Sexual Chocolate as the entire cast of Gilmore Girl's grew to know him, is the ninth, tenth, and eleventh wonder of the world during fornication. Mrs. Stern simply did not have the mental werewithal to handle having access to Christopher's genitalia, and then having to deal with not having it while Christopher was busy doing more important shit. During his absense, she would draw Chris Kaman, dream about Chris Kaman, talk about Chris Kaman, blog about Chris Kaman, and at some point David began to understand what had happened. Husband David Stern couldn't take Chris Kaman off of his wife, so commissionar David Stern took Chris Kaman off the ballot, crushing many of our dreams in the process.
This is a blow to Kaman's All-Star campaign, but this is not the end. Chris Kaman's ho's surely have a rough couple days ahead, but Chris Kaman will find a way to make this right. The Kamaniac will not go quietly into the night, and Mr. Stern is about to have a whole bunch of Kaman babies up in his family tree.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Chris Kaman had Sex with Mike Tyson until he Loved Him.
This October, in the most predictable occurrence the world has seen since FDR's re-election, Chris Kaman became the single most unguardable man on the planet. Christopher's collection of moves in the low post have always been impressive, but as of late our man has simply been a force of nature on the basketball court. I now feel comfortable saying that Christopher's repertoire with the basketball in his hands is almost comparable with the wide variety of techniques he implements in pleasuring women during love-making. Whether it's in the key or between the sheets, Christopher is causing people to orgasm with his skills, and I think it's about time America takes notice. Christopher nails twenty-footers like Jesus, finger rolls like Mary, and slam dunks like the Holy Spirit, and still gets absolutely no love from the national media. The media's infatuation with the white man is well documented -- we do not have to do much research to understand why the Ebony Prince himself, Chris Kaman, get's no exposure -- but that does not make it right. The Kamaniac is currently averaging 22.8 points, 10.6 rebounds, 2.1 blocks, 3.2 assists, and 5 baby-mama's avoided per game. He has established himself as the pen-ultimate go to guy and will without a doubt surpass Wilt Chamberlain's scoring records both in the NBA and with the gentler sex. In a survey of myself, his brother, and his parents, he was unanimously selected as the greatest to ever lace them up.
It is with this entry that I officially begin my quest to make Chris Kaman an N.B.A. All-Star. I am hereby pleading with you, the people of the world, to do all you can to make sure this happens. If Christopher does not make the Western-Conference all-star team this year, I will be genuinely disappointed and Chris Kaman will be genuinely pissed off and much more likely to choke the prostitutes working his corners. For my sake, as well as his ho's, please vote Chris Kaman for NBA All-Star. The lives of Sparkle and Sharonda may be in your hands.
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